How do you know?
Dec 1st, 2005 by Jason
Caught this article on Digg today:
Head over heels? Alas, it won’t last
Scientists say passionate love fizzles after a year
Unfortunately, it brings me no closer to a resolution on my quest to find out “how exactly can you tell if you’re still in love love”. (And for what it’s worth, yes, I do understand the lunacy of trying to find a concise, scientific test for matters involving the heart.)
But damn it, there’s got to be *some* methodology out there that’s a little more insightful than “When the phone rings in the middle of the night, who do you want it to be?” and “When something exciting happens to you, who is the first person you want to call?” Apparently if your answer is the same for both of those questions, then yes, Blanche, .. you’re in love. What did people use as a benchmark before the damn phone was invented?
When I bring up this topic at work (of older, wiser folks), you can see the displeasure/shock on their face, as if I had just asked for a ranked list of their most favorite sexual positions with their mate or something. After a pause, the answer I get the most is “oh, you just know”.
So is this really the case? If you’re “really in love” with a person after many years, do you just “know it”, … without a doubt? The link at the top of this entry seems to indicate that the passionate feeling fades over time, so after that fades, how do you describe the feeling that you’re left with? Is the feeling significantly more than “best friends with benefits”? And if it is, does the “significantly more” part have mostly to do with all of the stuff that you and your partner co-created (friends & family, home, finances, etc)?
Here’s the worst part - it’s different for each person.
First, I’d recommend that you find a book called “The anatomy of love” by Helen Fisher. She’s not judgemental, she’s a scientist (think Squints). The unfortunate part is that like all these kinds of books, it’s really focused on hetero relationships.
http://anthro.rutgers.edu/faculty/fisher.shtml is her website.
The opposite of love isn’t hate, it’s apathy.
Here’s my personal test - If someone offered you a large sum of money (millions) and but to get it you had to ‘never see or hear from X again’ and you would choose the money, you’re not in love with X. If you can imagine a large enough sum of money that you would settle for, then you’re not.
What’s ever’s ‘normal’ doesn’t fit me, and it likely doesn’t fit you, either.
Oye
But, what if your in love with money ?
haha
I know my ex-wife was and hence the reason why she is now the EX.
In my world, being in love is like a bigfoot sighting, I would swear that I have seen it but I do not have any hard evidence.
Ah yes, the ever famous how do you know you are really in love question. That one beats down on my head from time to time. And I really think it’s different for everyone. I had a friend tell me that when you close your eyes, who is the first person you picture? That is the person you love.
For me it’s a willingness to actually say “I love you” to the person you are with and really mean it. That phrase has gotten so used up by people that it isnt any more relevant then saying hello to someone in a lot of cases. But again that depends on the person and how often they actually say it. I was with my last bf for 2+ years. I never said it. Then again he never did either, so I guess more or less we were just overrated friends with benefits. Eventually the benefits part just wasnt enough, and I realized that as just friends I wasnt really happy. Though he is a great friend, and I dont want him to ever not be a part of my life. I loved him, I’ll admit that. But I wasnt in love with him, that connection that just wasnt there, and I truly dont know that it ever was.
Once a handbook for the heart is actually released, or even a Love for Dummies book, then life will be much easier. Until then though, you are screwed like the rest of us and just have to find a way to figure it out. I just cant imagine never knowing.
Helpful huh?
As a scientist….well, no methodology I know of works…..then again after my past few months, I bring nothing to the table on this topic :-/
I don’t know who said it, but
“Every love story has an unhappy ending, sooner or later.”
Or was it a story with a happy ending is a story that hasnt finished yet.
Either way, someone’s gonna leave, if by no other way than dying.
Lots of good things for me to think about. Thanks for the email too, Tolo.